Hollow...

What does one do when they are faced with the news that one of their greatest life goals will never come to fruition? When one of the greatest natural gifts given to living beings, plants, animals, etc, is not one which you possess? Decision time. Surgery sooner or later. But the decision has to be made quickly. Either take the chance and try to have a kid, now, with no one in particular, since there is no one to have a child with you. Which in that situation you have about a 5% chance of ever actually getting pregnant. Or, bite the bullet and have the surgery, since the illness inside you is making you bleed internally at such a rate that the rest of your body is too ill to function at a normal pace. Basically, what does one do when they've dreamed of having children their entire life and then are told that they will never have that pleasure, gift, ability, blessing, honour, ?

For me, I must dedicate myself even deeper to my career goals, talent, writing, and dreams in that arena. Now what I need, more than ever, is someone to reach out, accept my hand, and help me get even a toe headed in the right direction.

Fuck it.

Life.

You may ask why I share something so personal with strangers. The simple answer is, I need to get it out. I need to talk. I need to figure things out. I don't expect any response. I just need to express what I'm feeling.

Fuck. I truly have nothing to say.

I have lost the creative edge currently.

I will leave you with the brilliant words, written by Ben Elton, for his film 'Maybe Baby.' Incredibly accurate, heart-wrenching, and true:

“Every young mother that I see is a simultaneous moment of exaltation and despair. I don’t know why it is that women feel such deep need to create life from within themselves. Why they yearn for a time when their own flesh will bring them comfort, but I know that they do. That’s an experience that most women, women with children, miss out on in life; the intensely female grief which accompanies the fear that those children might never exist. “